Happy Birthday!!

17 09 2012

Madison ( middle) at her graduation with her friends Mackenzie and Nicole

Yes, the rumours are true. I know it is hard for you to all believe because of my well maintained youthful appearance (thank you Arbonne) but today I am the proud mother of an 18 year old. I remember this day 18 years ago vividly. Thirty four hours before I gave birth I was sitting in a Taco Time having a soft taco because I had been told that Mexican food could cause you to go into labour. I had been told that castor oil works well also but with my easily triggered gag reflex this was not going to be an option for me. I ate my taco and prayed to the labour gods to please make this happen quickly.  I remember going to bed that night feeling that tonight was going to be the night. I was had an uneasy feeling (not just heartburn, I had already downed half a bottle of Gaviscon to alleviate that issue) and could not sleep. I had been having troubles sleeping lately because that is when the munchkin inside of me liked to play (still a night owl) but this was different.  I just lay there waiting for the labour to begin!

Low and behold at about midnight I felt a pain I had never felt before. It was an extreme tightness. Not the type of tightness you feel when you first put on your jeans right out of the dryer but a feeling you would get if your body was trying to expel a melon from your insides. Then it happened again and again and again. Oh crap!! I remember thinking. I am going to have this baby!!

I called my mom and girlfriend who were both accompanying me to the hospital and remember thinking (while rechecking my hospital bag for the millionth time) that when I arrived back home with my little bundle of joy (I did not know what was I was going to have) that I had to write a thank you note to Taco Time and suggest that they promote their soft taco’s as labour inducers.

Off to the hospital we go. I was well prepared. I had two of everything all of the guides instruct you to bring in your bag. That is one thing I can say for myself, I am well organized and always have a plan. I had a plan for the birth of my baby as well. I would arrive at the hospital with my hair done perfectly and with my make up immaculately applied. I was going to dilate at mach speed and have an easy labour with no tears, tears or tribulations. This was going to be one of those births where you tell your story at a baby shower about just how easy the whole process was for you and all the other women who had less than a wonderful experience look at you with daggers shooting from their eyes and call you a bitch. I wanted to be an “easy labour bitch” if I ever had to be referred to as a bitch at all.

Well, right from the start my plan was off course. Because it was just after midnight when the first labour pain hit and I was a little panicked at the idea of the labour being real. I had to settle with my hair being quickly touched up. The makeup was not perfect at all but since I had not taken the time to remove it before I went to bed I simply removed a smudge or two and was on my way.

Checking in was a breeze because I had done all of the pre check in paperwork through my pre natal classes and now I was raring to go and wanting to use every single breathing technique those classes has taught me.

They wanted of course to check out what was happening inside and I was more than willing to let them because I was sure by the sheer agony of the pain ripping through my body that they were going to say “Well Cheryl, You are 10 centimetres and fully effaced and you can start pushing now!! I was sure to be on the cover of Parenting Magazine as the woman who had the perfect birthing experience.

I of course was stunned when the nurse said “you aren’t even a full centimeter”.  You have a long way to go my dear!!” “We will see about breaking your water”.

Now for those of you who have not had the experience of having your water broken in a non natural way I will tell you that although I was not impressed with them putting what resembled a very large crochet hook inside me to break the membranes I very much enjoyed the feeling of the warm fluid. When I am not feeling well I like to have a bath and this very much felt like that. It was warm and comforting and I would have been happy if it flowed during the entire labour.

About24 hours into this whole wonderful, amazing, life changing experience they sent a specialist in to examine me and just as he was about to check me my male bff who had come to support me says “hey doc, before you go there can you help me out with this crossword”? What’s a 4 letter word for a medium used for growing bacteria in a lab?    The doc without hesitation replied” AGAR”.  I will never ever forget this because it put me 30 seconds further away from having my baby and trust me I wanted this child out of me more than I ever had.

Now, this doctor, the specialist just happened to have the largest hands I had ever seen on a man. All I could think about was where they had to go and I remember whispering to my girlfriend that small hands really should be a pre requisite for being and obstetrician. I was however, willing to endure almost anything at this point because after 22 hours of my labour pains progressing but my insides not I just wanted this over with. “Well my dear” he said after the examination “you are not quite over one centimetre dilated”. “I have good news and bad news he said.” The good news is that we will put you out of your misery and order a epidural for you, the bad news is that your baby is in some distress because it is trying so hard to get out and can’t so we are going to order a caesarean section so that you and your baby don’t have to suffer anymore.” He said that there weren’t any anesthetists available at the moment so he wanted me to try the laughing gas to labour with and that I was next on the list for an epidural.

I swear that my brother who had also joined my ever growing audience heard nothing about an epidural, caesarean or the baby being in distress because he was way too excited about the laughing gas. He in fact took the first hit of if before handing it over to me. I think he became more annoyed at my contractions than I was because when I had one he had to hand the mask over to me.

An hour and a half later I received an epidural. The most painful 45 seconds I have ever endured was when they first injected the painkilling drugs into my back (via a fine hollow needle) into me but I would still recommend it as the rest of my labour and delivery was pain free.

It was shortly after receiving the epidural that they prepped me and took me down to the operating room.  This was a harrowing experience for someone who before becoming pregnant would feel faint at the thought of even receiving a needle. I was happy to see the same specialist and the anaesthetist who had administered the epidural in the room with me. I opted to have my girlfriend in with me as well and she had planted herself firmly up by my head. I was all ready to go!!!The
one thing I can say without a doubt about my mother is that she is an
attractive woman. I have had men inquire about her before but I never expected
the anesthetist to inquire as to whether my mother was single or not. He was
quite taken with her and so I agreed that if he continued to keep me topped up
with the pain killing drugs that would ensure that I felt no pain I would see
what I could do about setting him up with my mom. I also had requested that he
serenade me during the surgery. A girlfriend of mine who had experienced a
c-section told me that she had heard sounds of the scalpel during the surgery
and I knew that I could not endure that. I would of course be listening for those
sounds now that I knew that they could exist. The anesthetist was more than accommodating
and did his best rendition of all of the Elton John favourites that I had
requested. My child had listened for nine months in uterine to songs like “Tiny
Dancer”  so it was only appropriate that
he or she hear something familiar when first emerging into the world


Fifteen minutes later I heard the words that I had been dying to hear.  “You have a beautiful baby GIRL”. My Madison Lily Jean was finally in my arms. I had not used any of the breathing techniques from pre natal and I definitely was not going to be on the cover of any magazine portraying the perfect labour but it was over and I had the most precious gift I could have ever asked for.

Happy 18th birthday baby girl. You have been worth every stretch mark, labour pain, grey hair, argument and sleepness night. You are one of the best things that has ever happened to me and I can’t tell you how proud I am of you!!!!



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